


And Another Thing...

by HeroMaggie



Series: The Crazy Adventures of Gia and Maggie in Kirkwall [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Cullen is flustered easily, Multi, Self-Insert to the Max, cracky fic, opinionated OCs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 08:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6416011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroMaggie/pseuds/HeroMaggie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke suggests a trip to the Gallows for Gia and Maggie. Sadly, they never actually set foot in the Gallows proper. </p>
<p>Chance encounter with Cullen!</p>
<p>Maggie and Gia lecturing!</p>
<p>Seriously - Dragon Age fans in Kirkwall would be hilarious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Another Thing...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [draco_illius_noctis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/draco_illius_noctis/gifts).



> This is an ongoing crack fic for my close friend, Gia - an effort to bring lightness and laughter.
> 
> No other reason than that. 
> 
> Totally self-indulgent...

“You know, the difference between seeing what we see in a game and what we see here in Kirkwall is astounding,” Maggie said while tapping her chin with one hand. “That is one ugly building.”

“Do you think that’s why they went with it for the Circle?” Gia tilted her head, as if trying to see if a side-ways view would make the Gallows less ugly.

“I think they looked at a giant ugly forbidding prison and thought - free property and look, it comes equipped with dungeons and torture devices. Saves us time and money.” Maggie made scoffing noises at the building across the small bay.

“You’re terrible.”

“That’s terrible. The entire idea is terrible. It’s a terrible place created by horrible people.”

“Are you two alright?” Hawke placed a hand on Gia’s shoulder and squeezed. Gia glanced back up at him and frowned. “Why do I get the feeling that this is a bad idea?”

“Because it was one of your ideas, Hawke,” Fenris muttered. “Maggie, you are not to create a ruckus.”

“So...no overthrowing Meredith and freeing all the mages today. Got it.” Maggie made sure to keep her eyes on the Gallows. She could feel Fenris’ glare against her shoulder.

“Come on, Fenris. What she wants to do sounds like a wonderful idea.” Anders tugged Maggie back against his chest. “Overthrow the Circle, kill Meredith, have cake. Sounds like a perfect day.”

“Fill one of the downstairs rooms with cats.” Maggie leaned back against Anders and smiled at the thought.

“I really think I’m falling in love with you,” Anders teased.

“Not to interrupt but...Cullen is coming this way. I didn’t know they let him actually leave the Gallows.” Gia nodded at a templar heading towards their spot on the docks.

“How do you figure? It’s just a loud metal suit clanking this way.” Maggie tried to peer around Anders. “Anders...stop.”

“Templar…”

“You can see his noodle hair in the sun.” Gia was pointing now.

Sure enough, the templar heading towards them had curly blond hair. He hesitated when he saw the group before raising a hand to wave at Hawke. Hawke sighed, the sound expressing his knowledge that what had seemed like a good idea - show the girls the Gallows - was quickly turning into a piss-poor idea.

“Pre-scar Cullen,” Gia muttered.

“Mages aren’t people douche-bag Cullen,” Maggie hissed.

“I’m a fancy templar and you’re just a robe,” Gia pulled away from Hawke to stomp a little.

“Can’t trust mages. They’re weapons. And when you least expect it, abominations!” Maggie threw her hands up. “Just Boom! Demons everywhere.”

Gia and Maggie shared a look. They ignored the slowly growing cloud of worry being put out by the guys behind them. Maggie leaned closer to Gia and whispered, “He still gets flustered when you flirt with him.”

“You’re bad,” Gia whispered back. “I’m going to punch him.”

“How are you going to reach him? He’s encased in a tin can.” Maggied watched as Cullen finally stopped next to Hawke. He was close enough so that Maggie and Gia could see his golden brown eyes and curling hair. Maggie let out a snigger. “Curly.”

“Haha.” Gia chortled next to her.

“Hawke. What brings you to the Gallows today?” Cullen turned those eyes on Maggie and Gia and they both straightened and offered innocent smiles. He offered a hesitant smile to them.

“Oh. Um…”

“Sightseeing,” Gia said. “He’s taking us there to sightsee.”

“At the Gallows?” Cullen looked confused.

“I’ve always wanted to see a symbol of oppression up close. I mean, I suggested a trip to Tevinter, but apparently that was a big fat no from Fenris.” Maggie added.

“It still is,” Fenris said. “Maggie…”

“Fenris…”

“Do I know you two?” Cullen had turned his full attention to both women. “What symbol of oppression?”

“The statues, obviously. Did you know that there is decent evidence that Kirkwall the site of the Magister’s assault on the Golden City?” Maggie was smiling widely.

“Er...no? I don’t think….”

“It’s true. The Bone Pit is a massive burial site. The Gallows was a holding building for slaves brought into this city. The statues were put up to torment the slaves. Lovely that you leave up such inspiring Tevinter symbolism for the mages,” Gia said, smiling equally widely.

“In fact, the catacombs of the city hold untold riches in Tevinter blood magic texts. It’s widely acknowledged that the veil here is thin, which would explain the high level of maleficar. I have to hand it to the Chantry. I wouldn’t use a building so scarred with residual pain and magic to house mages but man...they obviously had it cleansed or something before hand. Right?”

Both Maggie and Gia and raised their eyebrows and gave Cullen an expectant look.

“Er...who…”

“Oh! I’m Maggie. This is Gia.” Maggie waved.

“We’re from New Jersey.” Gia was nodding enthusiastically.

“Quite.” Maggie turned to nod at Gia.

“Did you know that mages are, indeed, people?” Gia stepped in close to Cullen.

“Just like you and me.” Maggie stepped in closer, brushing against Cullen’s side.

“It’s just an old wive’s tale that they aren’t.” Gia poked his breastplate.

“I mean, if you think about it, claiming mages aren’t people is what Tevinter magisters say about elves. Elves aren’t people. Makes it easier to own slaves if they aren’t people.” Now Maggie was poking his breastplate.

“True historical fact.” Gia’s poking was getting a little violent.

Maggie and Gia both gave one more solid poke and then stepped back, eyebrows raised expectantly. Cullen was turning red in the face. “Now see here…”

“I think it’s terrible that your options are prison, death, or lobotomy. As if any mage would want any of those.” Maggie gave a sniff of disgust. 

“Maggie!” Fenris grabbed her arm. “We are going home.”

“I’m not done. I’ve got things to say to Ser Ramen Head!” Maggie flailed as Fenris hoisted her over his shoulder.

“Hawke! Put me down!” Gia yelled as she was tossed over Hawke’s shoulder. 

“Nope. Fenris, you were right. This was a terrible decision.” Hawke slung an arm over Gia’s thighs and held her steady. “We’re heading home.”

“But Fenris! This is important work! The Maker’s work!” Maggie howled.

“Just who do you think…”

“I haven’t even gotten to the part where the Chantry just cuts out the parts of the Chant they don’t like!” Maggie groused. She was now dangling over Fenris’ shoulder. “Worst way to travel ever.”

“Anders. If you do not stop laughing and help me out, you will be in trouble as well,” Fenris grumped.

“Sorry about that Cullen. They’re new to Kirkwall.” Hawke offered Cullen a wide grin.

“They seem unhinged,” Cullen said feebly.

“You know. You might be going through your asshole stage, but you’re still hot,” Gia said as she clung to Hawke’s back. “Hey. Smile for me.”

“We should have brought pictures of Dorian. He’d feel better with pictures of Dorian. Or Iron Bull! Wait...too soon for the Qunari cock discussion?” Maggie was watching in fascination as Cullen’s face turned purple. “You’re going to pass out there if you don’t breathe.”

“Did you just say Qunari and cock in the same sentence?” Anders was peering down at Maggie with an awed expression.

“He’s massive! Like. Terribly large. I mean...lube would be the way to take that thing.”

“Maggie!” Gia sounded scandalized.

“We are leaving. Now.” Fenris started walking off.

“Were you trying to make Cullen have a heart attack?” Anders asked as he followed behind Fenris.

“Maybe. I mean. He blushes and stammers and it’s funny. But seriously, he needs to quit that mages aren't people talk. Rude!” Maggie said. She looked up at Anders and waggled her eyebrows before lowering her hands to grip Fenris’ ass. Fenris responded by slapping hers and she squawked.

Hawke caught up to them. “So...what else should we do today?”

“Nothing. Maggie is in trouble.”

“Bah.”

“And will require a discussion.”

“Does the discussion involve your tongue? Because I am one hundred percent behind that discussion.” She patted Fenris’ ass again, grinning up at Anders - who shook his head.

Hawke let out a little noise of surprise. “Um. That seems...yes. We’ll see you all later. Yes. Come on Gia. I think you need a tongue lashing.”

Gia gave a laugh. Maggie hummed and winked up at Anders, contentment on her face. 

On the top floor of Fenris’ mansion, there was a tinkling noise and a flash of light. A male scream was cut off and was followed by little giggles of delight.

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on Tumblr as Warriormaggie


End file.
